| XiNg miN 的个人资料The diabolical home of m...照片日志列表 |  工具  帮助 |
|
9月14日 Ex-planationIt's been a long while since I felt like divulging the contents of my mind, or rather my heart, to a computer screen. I wonder what this shall serve, other than remind me of the screw ups that litter the latter stages of my uni life, but here goes:
"Love will find a way, but you must take the first step"
Being young and foolish, and curious about the limits of my pain threshold, I set about to re-court my ex whom I ungraciously dumped more than 2 years back. Call it a stupid gamble, but I was really, really down after another attempt at a previous target backfired spectacularly. That is another story that I might share some other time, if I have the patience to dig up the part of my memories that I wished never existed in the first place.
Back to the ex, it wasn't a sudden change of heart. It started when I saw this look of fear everytime we had even the slightest of eye contact. That made me think, "OMG, what have I done to this girl?" Her clinginess to other girls even gave me the impression that she is more interested in the fairer sex rather than guys. I had to do someting, thought my guilty heart, otherwise this girl will forever lose the ability to feel the joy and pain of healthy relationships. (Later I found out that she did indeed think of guys as deceitful beings who gave empty promises they can never keep, thus confirming my suspiscions that she lost all faith in guys)
By time I went through all the spiral of emotions that came with reconnecting with an old flame, including confusion, bewilderment, curiousity, and joy, I find myself once again sitting on that chair called 'lost love'. I begin to reminescent about the times we had together, the good, bad and ugly. Blaming my immature self for letting her go once, and even creating the sour state that we were in, there was no limit to my self-loathing. I had lost a partner that really accepted and loved me for who I am, even though I justified the break-up with lines such as:
"You and I just are not meant to be"
"Our interests are not the same at all"
"You are meant for someone better, not me"
At this stage, I made the decision to set things right. I was ready to give her another go at reclaiming at should-be happiness that was extinguished by my childishness. However, the timing of our finals made any real efforts futile. The best I could manage at this point was to reconcile with her, slowly but surely making my way back to her now frozen heart scarred by another relationship flop after me. I talked to her through MSN, and gradually she begin to open back to me. However, I sense the large amounts of thorns that lay before me, and I avoided all talk would give her any impression that I was aiming at her.
I made a bet with her instead.
"Let's see who can score better in this finals. Loser treats the winner for one day." (In which I would later lose, much to my dissapointment)
She accepted of course, in good spirits. That is all the motivation I needed to focus on my exams despite my renewed intentions. Let's now skip this exam and industrial training crap that I had to go through immediately after. Instead let's now jump ahead to the new semester.
"Ah! A brand new day has arrived, and I've got a girl to catch."
Armed with a car, which I previously didn't have for the last three years of university, I quickly made my advances. I knew that time was not on my side, with it being our final year in uni. Any time together, provided that I succeed, would depend on how fast I can make my plan stick. Lo and behold, due to extuanating circumstances, i.e she got measles, i didn't have the car for two weeks, busy with assignments and reports, etc., the first four weeks went without any progress.
Once I finally had everything in place, and some hesitation from her, I decided to ask her out. Well, by asking her out, I meant confessing my renewed feelings. At a later time, I would realized that I forgot to ask her to become my girl friend:
*BIG SMACK* for that blunder
However, it was not meant to be. She pointed out some very critical issues that I had not considered:
"How about your future workplace? Will you come to PG just for me?"
"Why would you come back to me?"
"Would I be the first priority in your mind, or would family and other interests come first?"
I was left speechless, not for the first time in my life. She had changed drastically. All her arguements were bang on, and I had no answer to her inquiries. So I let it be at that point, and just decided to stick with the friends status for now. I had to think about the strings attached with being her boy friend, lest I repeat the same mistake that I had done two years back. We then enjoyed some good times as friends, such as my senior's graduation, and a couple of movies in a group of friends.
After a few weeks, I thought that I would be ready to ask her again. So I arranged for a date, under a pretext that I would like to enjoy some of her hometown's food. She agreed, maybe not knowing of my ulterior motives. The day went along uneventfully, but I felt that she was not herself. During the whole time, she was relatively quiet and distant, and there was the unmistakable sense of weirdness in the air between us. Before we reached campus, I decided that I would approach her with another proposal. That turned out to be another heartache, as she added that she found it hard to start the relationship because of the past.
I knew very well that what I had done was unforgivable and could not be erased. I had hoped that I could make ammends for it by making her happy again. What wishful and self-conceited thinking that turned out to be. I didn't want to make her happy, I just though about my own self, yet again. I could not change the fact that I left her in tatters, being her first break-up experience. That eventually clinched the fact that this would not work out after all.
I remained hopeful of course. These days all I could think about is her, and it pains me that I had let her go once. I wanted her to feel what I felt. Happiness just by being around you, and seeing you smile is all I need to make my day complete.
During this entire time, I trusted only one other person well enough to share my predicament. I told myself that this is my own problem, and I have to solve it myself or I would never grow up for this relationship challenge. That friend pointed out that had I been more 'creative' and 'romantic' I would have succeeded a few weeks back. Again, this left me feeling vexed, as I had not done the bloody obvious. Well, those suggestions were not really my cup of tea, and personally I felt that emotions and honesty were more important than materialistic gifts. The times have really left me behind, or maybe i was just too old-fashioned.
During that week after the botched date, I felt that she was really feeling depressed and I tried my best to look happy and perky so that I could show her that she was still the light of my life; the reason that I could push myself out of bed every morning and try my utmost in everything. That was a pretense, I would later realize, and she knew of it too. This can't go one forever, the state of being more than frens, but not exactly lovers is pushing her to the edge, and I could not ease her burden anymore than I could rein in my emotions.
Finally, one MSN session later, she finally made up her mind.
"Let's be friends again, and pray that someone better comes along soon"
That was the confirmation that I had waited for 10 weeks to hear. It was a bittersweet moment. I was relieved that she finally decided what to do with me. Of course, my unanswered love left me in a state of despair. There was nothing I could do more, I comforted myself. I had tried my best, and held nothing back during the period of courtship. But it seems that she had a bigger barrier to overcome, accepting one who had meant the world to her but also destroyed it an instant. Yeap, the reason she could not accept me back into her heart was because that person is *me*.
That is something that I could never change: being me.
Of course, she was willing to talk to me openly again. And for some time, I was filled with a false sense of joy which i knew is like the high from a caffeine overdose. Once it wore off, I was lost again, as I was before these ordeal started in the first place. I knew that it was time to move on to new people and new experiences. Of course, letting her go the first time was one of the hardest things I have to do. Letting her go the second time is not any easier, but I will break if I don't do it soon. MY patience has reached its end, my emotions threaten to boil over and *snap* would my conscience go.
I was madly out of love, not the first time in my life, but it was never easy no matter how many times it has been.
At least, I could talk to her again. I had hoped that after this episode is over, we could smile at each other again without clouded eyes. Talk to one another like old buddies. Share our final year together as uni mates. This much I hope I can do, should I first dispose of this selfish nature of my emotinons. I really wished I had a PLAN B, but she was the only person I had put all my money on.
That more or less sums up what has transpired over the absence of posting, as I sorted out my scattered feelings in my head. I then decided that at the risk of ridicule, it would be better than I posted this entry so that I could remind myself of the person that I once was. Hopefully, my destined one is not too far off in the futurem, but I can really just try my best in living on my undergrad years and pray for the best in the future. To her, allow me one final curtain call:
"You will always be a special person in my life, now and forever"
xing
2月2日 The longest week of my lifeIndeed I has a slow start at home, the weekend was kind to me i.e no interruptions like the last one. But as soon as I got back to campus, there was no rest for me weary bones. Every weekday of this week I has to wake up at latest by 8AM, which is not routine since all my normal classes all start at 9 or 10 in the morn. Monday was the most fun day, even though I had to get up even more early to meet the 7.45 meet-up time. The workshop about problem-solving was only fun as I came face-to-face with a German dude who speaks relatively good English, albeit his accent does protrude a lot, especially the K's, the W's ad the V's. Typically, germans have very anal problem-solving steps that even involve thanking everyone. It's the industry's way, I suppose. It was fun, especially that group presentation thingie, but I feel sorry for not being picked to present for the group. However, the week went downhill from there as not only do I have to meet assignment deadlines, there were new assignments. If these just revolves around doing some exercise by yourself then it'll be fine, but instead I was grouped with large groups (one of them have 15 members per group, that lazy lecturer), and we were expected to somehow collaborate and finish it right after CNY, which was impossible to say the least as communication would be a big problem. The assignment are certainly less than last semester (total of 21 assignments), but the difficulty level has gone up very considerably. On top of that, the designated lab this week is the toughest series of experiments. Our group faced the challenge of finding the time in one week to accomplish what normally needed three weeks to finish. The fact that there's a week-long break in between didn't help matters (not that I don't want the break, mind you), because the latex formulation cannot last for three weeks. Hence, the compounding, curing, dipping, drying, cutting and testing had to be done at a extra high pace. One which I find sometimes only myself doing, as some mornings are extra cruel and not conducive to waking up. It was done finally, but I felt that I had done more than 60% of the work. I can't blame my member for going home earlier than me, but still...it's tiring and drains my spirit. Once this is done, I think I can breath one very deep breath of relief. Hold that *phew* for now 1月13日 It's just 13 days into the new year but...happy new year folks...it's been a wild ride so far Unlike something which is hard to believe, I experienced some really unusual turn of events right after 2007 ended. A new year countdown was far from uncommon, but getting really 'influenced' and proceeding to puke in my fren's car on the way back was new, a really bad experience, but still was something of a milestone for a college student. Check that, I'm fully on my way to enjoy my 23rd year of existance. Besides the usual loads of free time followed by a sudden influx of assignments/reports/industry training headaches, my peace was short-lived. As I found myself in the middle of a tempest, a fight between my two frens, one of which is my roomate. Both parties are stubborn and refuse to give in, and I found myself in another arguement central. Things has since calmed down considerably but they are from settled. Another spark will reignite the situation, and what will I do then? Who knows? Then today itself, not very long after things have just barely set in place, the very same fren in whose car I emptied my stomach on lost his farther. It was a shock to all of us, with no prior signs. Perhaps the poor guy is just keeping things to himself all the time, may he survive this ordeal. Bless his dad's soul. 4月29日 Freedom in an ancient consoleAs I write this now, i'm having a splitting headache from lack of either proper sleep or just too much gaming at once. Well, it's been a LONG time since I properly had a long gaming session since I got my mac and my pc was officially retired to home-use. That's right, exams are over and I just can't wait to begin my long,long holiday of enjoying life to the fullest. That's really just sitting back at home with good broadband (hopefully) downloading anime and stuff, as well as ps2 gaming. Again, I have another introduction to make. Meet my newest obssession: the SONY PlayStation 2. Some of you might wonder why have I brought this ancient console at this time when next-gen consoles are hitting the shelves at full blast. Let me tell you that the games are really the reason: the list is just too long. However, I've shortlisted a few of them to play (and hopefully finish before the semester reopens). Again, Grandia is the catalyst. It reminds me of the days when I brought the DreamCast just so that I can play Grandia 2 (which was eventually ported to the PC and PS2, grrrr). The Final Fantasy series is a must-play. There's three for this console: X, X-2 and 12...wow, that's going to take a very long time. So I think I'll just stick to Grandia 3 for now. The headache that I'm having right now means that I won't be able to truly enjoy this wonderful RPG, thus for the night I just had some Kingdom Hearts, which is also a highly-acclaimed game. G3 will have to wait until I'm at my best state. This 10 weeks is going to be a blast. The exams, while being the most relaxed exam so far, has drained me almost completely of my will to live, coupled with staying at a god-forsaken hostel didn't help much either. How long have I waited so that I could just get home and finally get back to my bum routine. So you'll excuse me if I didn't write much because I'm too stuck with my new machine. Well, it needs rest too, every 5 hours then rest 2 hours. Talking about rest, guess I'll help myself. Later. 4月7日 Between 21 and 22What have i been up to since getting my mac? lots...and lots more. In fact, the one habit i inherited from the mac is the workaholicness. I've been up in assignments and presentations I didn't even remember my base cravings for gaming. Until recently, I've yet to suffer any withdrawal symptoms from not gaming. Well. the fingers get a little twitchy now and then, making me tap the keys for no reason just to get some 'feedback'. My birthday came and went without any events, exactly the way that I wanted it to be. I heard rumors about my mac being targeted for robbery but thankfully a good friend alerted me so that proper counter-measures can be taken. Since then, I've also decided to lock the OS'es with my usual password just for good measure. Somebody is to thank for this, you know who yourself. What about my birthday itself you may ask, well turns out there was a group of friends willing to go all the way to Autocity to party, much to my delight. The five of us went to a total of three places there: in order, Halo Cafe, Swensens and SOHO. I think that although the food leaves much to be desired, the desert and club atmosphere more than makes up for it. Spent quite some money there, but I was ready of course. There was yet another round in Sushi King,Ipoh at a much later with my traditional gang, haha, good ol' times. Right now, I'm in the middle of a 'fake' vacation. Yeah, fake as in I'm back, but there's always a nagging feeling to go read up my exam subjects. At time of writing, my brain is cooked from process control, there's always a saturation point when it comes to its many intricate formulae that will confuse even those that went to every single class. Ok, so I'm a regular attendant but it doesn't matter because the questions are *not* covered in class. It's theory all the way, a bit of twist and you're screwed. I've seen the horror of my unability to answer the test 6 weeks back and even now with the notes in *front* of me, I'm still dumb-founded. But enough about work, Mac's can have fun as well. Ok, so I've relied on Boot Camp to get xp to play the games. But hey, it's still on the mac nonetheless. I've found myself using windows a lot because lo and behold for some reason I can't get no internet in college using OS X. Tried everything, wifi, ip v6 and so forth, nada. Even my linux friends have this same problem. So it's mac for work, music and some videos, then over to XP for anime, games and onlining. Oh, recently I have to reinstall XP on the mac because for some reason upgrading my bootcamp drivers from 1.1.2 to 1.2 corrupted an important dll file. Sure sucks to do this but at least I can repartition my harddisk again. Bad windows gets only 25GB's this time around, while my OS X will have that extra 7GB all to itself for being such a reliable doggy. With that said, I'm currently looking forward to some *real* holiday. Exams is always a downer but that's what makes the break after that so worthwhile. Sure, I may spend about 95% of it at home, but hey, I'm happy. For sure I'll pop down to the apple shops to look for stuff for my macbook. High on the list is probrably the mini-dvi adapter, so that I can project to a larger screen or for future presentation. I'm very sure that I'm going to need it with more projects that need to be presented and I really wanna use my own laptop for it. Ok, signing off now. F1 quali will start soon, and i'm not missing that for anything (that I can think of, at least). 3月11日 I've always like MAC's...delicous scrumptious MAC'sOk, so I admit that the heading was a bit of a lie, a very big one actually. PC's were something like parents to me, I'm used to them like breathing water and drinking air, just for fun. Right now I have reached the transition point, with the arrival of my MacBook MA-700 model. There is a lot to learn, and a lot to relearn. Instantly, one will notice that the cosmestics are not the only stark difference from regular PC's. The Operating System for example, refuse to be referred to a house component that allows light and air to come in. Instead it's an animal; a cat or rather a TIGER. This is Apple's latest (not counting Leapord, which is still under development) OS for Mac's and let me tell you that the cat will not be tamed so easily. When using Tiger, you get the feel that it wants you to do things faster. It rushes you, because it's so streamlined and you're not. It wants to be pushed, and I found myself trying to keep up. With such a monster of a processor, everything zooms and zips by like you're in some time capsul. Alright, that's really just an exaggeration, but it is faster than my old PC's not-so-slow Pentium 4 HT 3.0GHz. So what if there isn't a discreet video card, I'm certainly not going to use it for gaming...much. It remains to be seen however, how much fun can I have with this book because it's just 2 days old from first boot. Right now, it's going back with me to campus. I hope that nothing will happen to it. Now I got a bit of feel when parents send their cute children to school. Well, at least I get to come along and hopefully this will the beginning of a beautiful friendship. However, I admit that Tiger, as powerful as it is, is still not enough for some of my tasks. The Mac does come with a lot of software, but not enough. I had to search for codecs for it to play my anime and videos properly. But I guess that I can always revert to XP to play them. Right now it does play almost everything (VLC rocks man, seriously) except anime that has embedded subs in their container (or soft subs). Installing XP was relatively easy (though very lengthy, thanks to the need to use FAT for the partition), and there are indeed some problems still unsorted, like the battery indicator won't install at all, and that my visual basic needs a DOS component which is a big no-no for macs. I'm still sorting out what works and what doesn't work, really. Packing time. So guess I'll be updating this later with more quirks about my macbook. I love it. 3月7日 Those who read this: beware! Before I begin today's rambling, in case there's another person other than me reading this most personal blog, would I like to remind you that this space here is really for my own venting and not to entertain any readers. If you must read this, by all means, you're welcome to. However, please be aware that I would not hold back here. If there's someone who has angered/crossed/pissed me off, then they are going to get it here, no holds barred. If you somehow become the receiving end of my grunting, you've at least know better. So i found this no-brainer program here: a name-personality-matcher. What you do is input your name and the program tells you what kind of person your name reflects. Doing so with my name yielded my name yielded this result *ahem*: " Sensitive and sentimental, you can't help feeling depressed when someone hurts you. Shy and reserved, you avoid talking themselves. You are true friends, hard workers, and traditionalists. You miss not having the protection and security you had as children. Home-loving you usually feel like spending time with your families and prefer being being at home to being to a party." While I admit that I will probably believe any output, the first line is the most spot-on diagnosis that I've been given. Indeed, I can't believe that a simple flash module can tell me how I would behave in real-life. Coincidence or not, this is indeed the kind of person I am. Patient I may be, but I'm put down easily by every little small imperfection in my day. It is at this point that I look back at my actions three weeks ago and wonder. "Have I done the right thing?" That whole weekend went quite downhill, quickly, and with a suitable last-nail-in-the-coffin to seal it off. I was feeling especially upset and angry, but at the same time, I cannot find anyone to really feel comfortable to confide to. My best buds in campus were already tied-up, so they're not the type I expect to understand my predicament. In a way, this blog became some sort of bulletin of my sad love-life, to save me the trouble of telling everyone how she shot me down that fateful night. Make no mistake, I do not find any fault with her decision. However, how she handled the situation afterwards left a lot to be desired. Plus my oblivious friends added more salt to my wounded soul, and yet I cannot blame them because of something they don't know. There was really no hope, I considered her answer to be final and thus will not pursue her any further. I may be tired of running away, but I'm not one to thread on broken glass. Some distance would be good, but yet I cannot avoid the fact that we live in Ipoh, which means that sometimes going back together is always in the cards. Looks like I'm out of time for now, a meeting beckons, maybe I will continue this another time. 2月12日 Courage...to burn What an idiot I was...confessing just like that. Knowing fully that I would be rejected, I did it anyway. Another checklist in my stupid-list, which can never be erased. This had been coming for a while, but I guess that the actual pain still hit me bad. So bad that I had to delay writing this, so that I may present this more objectively; so that I would not really say harsh things here. After saying all that to her, I had mixed feelings about my actions. To do or not to do, that is no longer the question. It felt good, in a way that something bad had just passed. A big weight was lifted off me as soon as I ended the call. Wonder why, I just can't cry after that. I tried to sleep, but of course my thoughts were all over the place. Got up, and turned to the pc to distract me from all that. It didn't work that well, but at least it made me sleepy enough to go back to bed. Despite the reassurance that we would still be best friends, I suppose that really is just a comfort gesture. That cold unstaring face greeted me again the next day, even though I was the one that had to muster all the courage just to approach her. I really meant to say that I won't avoid her on purpose, but she ran away; in a subtle way. At that time, I felt guilty and angry. "What?! So now you're going to run away from me? What about being just friends?" That was really my inner self talking; that selfish side of me. But I listened to it, clinging to it like a lost child. It wasn't just once or twice, and she tried not to make it that obvious by giving me small replies. However, watching her for that long made me realize that she is pushing me away. "Had I said something to hurt her? Even though I was the one that was to be hurt..." Thinking about that, again I couldn't sleep. This time, I sms'ed her about it, giving a long apology and request for a normal friend. She did reply, in a way that satisfied my little heart. I was feeling better then, and sleep came back shortly. However, the story certainly didn't end there. Now I was faced with another dilemma: who knows? So far, I have yet to disclose this to anyone, even to those close to me. But I didn't know who she told that to, displaying my ugly and shameful self to others. If she did to her usual gang, they certainly hid their reactions well. Good enough for me, but still she came with more strings than that. Anand, my long time friend. After this, I feel awkward to talk to him, even though I actually didn't see him yet in person since then. There was going to be tension, if he knew about this. Even if he did dump her for parents' sake, and got another girl after that, there's no hiding that I had went after the girl that he once loved. I felt like I had lost another human side within me. Now, there's calm on the surface. But my heart is certainly roaring inside like a beast that had not eaten, it wasn't fulfilled. But now, I certainly wasn't in any mood for anymore heartache. Well, it's not like there's any candidates left for me in campus anyway, but I wish that things hadn't worked out so badly. A true Murphy's law in action. Freedom, but for how long? Maybe deep inside I wished for someone to 'own' me, to 'chain' me down. Ironic then, because what good is a freedom that makes you want to seek bondage again? Someone up there must really be laughing at me, and if my ex finds out, she probably will laugh too as well. I can take this humiliation, but I still hope there is no need to do so. How nice then, looks like I'll be single for a long time to come. 1月28日 a most forgettable weekend This weekend had a lot of promise for little 'ol me. I was really looking forward to it, thinking about the various activities that would enhance my relationship with a certain someone. On Friday there was the prom night, and the next day we are supposed to go to the island to have a packed day of beach and water activities. The perfect weekend then, to make that first step and break the ice. Well, no. The first premonition that things would go from bad to catastrophic was that I didn't know I had to inform my senior that I 'intended' to go to the function. Twiddling my thumbs eventually got me no ticket for the prom night and thus I had to forego the plan. There would be no special night for me this 2nd year. I shrugged it off, with the help of beer and the company of my 2 most trusted uni frens. Spending the night intoxicated and spewing nonsense was the best medicine for getting over a botched prom night, which actually didn't even start in the first place. Knowing that tomorrow would hold a greater promise, I went to bed early, tipsy but optimistic. Getting up at the unholy hour of 7 on a Saturday was the first hiccup of the day, especially when I didn't get a good sleep thanks to the volume of my roommate, who seem to not know that sleeping is to be done at night and not morning. Fine, forget him, leave him to his nocturnal ways. We set off at nearly 9am, which means that all the getting up early was really not needed and that I has sacrificed precious sleep for no particular reason other than sitting around the cafe chatting up the activities of the day that was to come, all the while feeling the after-effects of alcohol and sleep-depravity. I was all hyped-up to go, stuffed with caffeine and biscuits. The journey back and forth was really uneventful, so I shall not mention details, like how my bladder was so close to failing me on the way thanks to the air-con that chilled my bones. All I know is, once I get there, it's show time! Boy, how wrong was my calculations. She and the Swimming Pres got down at Tesco once we reached to island, saying that they'll meet up later once they brought enough supplies. What kind of planning was that, really? The venue of my predicament wasn't really shabby at all, I could even call it holiday-ish. The first activity was canoing, which was a first for me. For a guy that can't swim, I took it up like a inquisitive child, practicing the strokes before I even touched the water. There was some technicalities involved with the paddle, which apparently I still didn't get right after 2 hours of rowing about with my smoker course mate who runs out of steam every 10 strokes or so. Still, the novelty was enough to keep me going, even though there is somebody missing. Knowing that the canoes were 2-seater, this was really a missed chance. I kept on going with a smile, the day is still young, and surely there must a chance somewhere. By the time I know it, my more base instincts told me that my 'Fuel' is empty and that I would starve if not fed immediately, it's lunchtime. According the Pat, the 'nasi goreng kampung' was like 'shit', but I was certainly not complaining. It doesn't matter, I was looking at it as a life-saver. My appetite was extra-voracious that day, and one pack of fried rice is certainly not going to sate it. After more snacks, it was time for station games. To be honest, this is my weak point in any sort of trip. Being appointed group leader didn't help things. We weren't total losers, but the team spirit was far from encouraging. Being called a 'noob team' or a team that can't even win with an all-guy round-up further degraded my mood and the bond between us. Still, we fought on to the bitter end, and was even given the honour of smitting the only team that lost to us with loads of flour. That was gratifying, but to win that event, I shed blood and sweat dragging myself on bricks. It was a hollow victory for sure, the pain was bad. Even the tug-of-war, one of my stronger games, didn't give us the satisfaction of winning. Moving on, as dinner was still early, we had another session of canoing. By this time, she had returned from shopping and was eager to go. Alas, the pres stroked first, leaving me eventually with Pat, great. This time, we made good progress on canoe as we didn't have to stop rowing after every 10 strokes or so, though the waves had become much stronger and our ship was taking in water a bit too fast for comfort. Dinner wasn't really any better than lunch, which me to draw a conclusion that this trip was actually a well-disguised diet programme to lose weight, in a fun way. The word 'BBQ' sounds really fun too, if it wasn't filled with hungry guys tripping over each other to get a place to roast their individual morsels of food, of which there wasn't enough. Chicken ball, sausages and chicken wings wasn't really a filling dinner, but least there was beer, ordered from outside. After dunking two cans of Calsberg, I was surprisingly unsocialable, the remainder of dinner was taken up with taking silly photographs and repairing my slippers that had given up after hard work of dragging the canoes back to the boathouse. The night sea reminded me of my situation, wave after wave unrelentingly hitting on the shore in the darkness, just like my efforts. The night view of the island was beautiful as usual, but all it did that time was fill me with a certain melancholy. Packing up to head home, I was worn out to the bone and wasn't in any mood for small talk or even reviewing the day's events. For me, it was a total failure as my only reason for going was to get closer to her. She did ask me in the end 'how was it?'. That was really the only real conversation we had, but I simply ok'ed her and continued on to the bus, slumped in defeat. I can't even remember the ride back, being knocked out all the way until campus. In fact, I would have continued to sleep hadn't Pat woke me. I carried my things back to my room with a heavy sigh. This was certainly a weekend that would've been better spent at home. Instead of getting closer to her, all it did was give me a reality check that she had gone out of reach, I had stayed stagnant and she had left me behind. Indeed, she was no longer the dependent girl I knew and came to like. With a sad goodbye, I bid her a little farewell in my heart. This would be the last time I did something like this, but knowing me, it certainly won't be true for long. Farewell, my love life. 1月26日 The dream continues The new year brings a new cover to a lot of things that ended with 2006, some of which are very personal to me and others with more global impact. Of course, I'm not an avid news cruncher so my knowledge of events are limited to my personal interests only. Moreover, I've yet to decide if my last year's experience should ever be put in this blog, which is supposed to be a reflection of my current thoughts and not a flashback episode. Well, one can always hope I suppose. Let's see, I started this year with a small group of friends, though my intention was to invite as many people as possible. However, this might be more suiting to my personal taste. I'm just simply not good with big crowds, sure I enjoy the atmosphere but I just don't know where to cut in during conversations. After all, I'm a quiet person at heart, and there really is not much small talk that I can do once everyone starts the ball rolling in a topic. I'm just at a loss for words, but hopefully this year I can change that little by little. For a person like me, there's no denying that I did a lot of bad things last year. I has a girl friend for a few months, but after the semester holidays the relationship had gone sour, well to be honest I was not feeling the love anymore. I was...tormented by the actions that should be taken to resolve this, but finally I decided to end it outright with a phone call. That was something I wish that I'll never have to do again, because after that I felt that I had lost some of my humanity, and a huge amount of confidence as well. The holocaust of the break-up was initially great, as I expected. There was lots of tears and heartache, and of course I decided that the least I can do is take the blame for it, labeling myself as the 'bad guy'. There are times I wonder how on earth did I get somebody to like me without any conscious effort, since past experiences showed me that being too conscious of my feelings influenced my logic and caused me to behave and think in a way that exceeds my normality. It was written into my consciousness, I have just thrown away any chance of having any further romantic excursions in campus. The experience was good while it lasted, but I've just had enough of doubting myself and losing sleep. There was no way to save this relationship in my book. It's time to move on, for me and her. Unfortunately, the story did not end there. Obviously, I deserve more after committing such an act that I had so whole-heartedly promised myself never to commit once my first girl left me. Ironically, I was now in her position, and knowing that all this while that she was right was not easy to digest and even harder to forget. I was a jerk, but at least I didn't have to drag a dead relationship all over the place. So, my time is now up. Class awaits, but still if there is always another day for the continuation of the story...and the dream. 1月22日 look who's backwow, one year plus since my last entry...i must have been in a deep comma all this time, awakening only now to find myself typing away, a lot has certainly happened, and i do not think that a single blog entry is sufficient to tell all, but perhaps given time i might be tempted to make a 2006 look back and reflect on how that year has changed my life, bit by bit...there is certainly a very significant turning point there, other than turning 21 alas, i have class now so i gotta take my leave, maybe another time, when i'm not so occupied 12月25日 Xmas with Bebop and Star Wars It's Christmas, a season to rejoice. Sadly I'm just reminded that I'm going to spend yet another Xmas as a single guy, the 20th one no doubt. Since when does Christmas became related with couples I don't know, probrably due to the Japan misconception. But still it's a bad reflection.
So bad in fact, that I needed to distract my mind more than usual. Cutting back my anime, I spent almost the entire day playing Knights of the Old Republic. It's a game that's been released more than a couple of years back, but it's still a gem among RPG's.
Since I'm still in the middle of it, I won't elaborate further. After dinner I decided to bring out one of my secret weapons that I've been saving to forget that Christmas has arrived. It's none of than Knocking on Heaven's Door: Cowboy Bebop's one and only movie.
Released in 2001, three years after the original TV series ended, this anime boosted a lot of makeovers by numerous studios. The end result is an amazing blend of blues and action. The plot is quite contained, but all the characters are still present.
As with series, it has an amazing soundtrack like none other I've ever heard before in an anime. This also includes the sound effects as well as the background music. With a length of roughly two hours, there's plenty to listen too.
The action was well-done and will certainly warrant a rewatch. One particular scene was the aerial dog-fight between Spike versus 3 military jets. It was awesome, the action couldn't be more realistic as if it was filmed and not animated.
So the final say then? How about a 9/10...yes, it doesn't reach the god-like status like its predessor series, but it's still a strong movie that is sure to impress fans of the original 12月22日 Cowboy Bebop TV As I finish this series, I didn't feel like writing this at all. Maybe it's the bad IE or sucky connection due to torrents, but just somehow I don't want to write this entry at all. Thing is, Cowboy Bebop has been around since '98, which means at that time I'm still in Form 1. The amazing thing is that any search through any anime database would reveal that the series remains in the Top10 list.
As soon as I saw this up for download, there's no need to check any reviews. It went straight into my download list, and I waited patiently. Well, this is probrably due to the fact that at the time it finished downloading, I was still in Kajang and even when I came back to Ipoh, I don't think I had the time to actually enjoy the series because I need to entertain my special guest.
Another shocking this is that the actual DVD's for this series was in my desk drawer in campus for almost the entire last semester, but I never really got to taking it out and watching it. It might have been for the time constraint or it's just plain forgotten in there. If I had known that such a great series existed so close to me, well I still wouldn't have started watching it yet either.
Why? Because I spent almost the day yesterday watching from episode 09 to 21. That alone speaks volumes about the quality of this series. It is scary, actually, because had I started watching this in campus, I might even forget to study. The thing is that this series doesn't need to rely on cliffhanger episodes to keep the suspence up, although there are two instances that this concept was used in the series.
With that exception, each episode is a gem on its own. If it doesn't further the plot, then it serves to detail each character and their respective past. Being haunted by one's own past is also a big theme in this anime, and it makes for some interesting material. Moral lessons aside, I wasn't taken aback by the flashbacks like some other series who made it too lengthy.
Think I wouldn't want to go into detail any further, for I believe that discovering the many aspects of this anime is one of its greatest enjoyment aspects. For this though, I wouldn't even give a score...it's a classic example of how good anime should be. 12月20日 Fable: The Lost Chapters Knowing that this is my last week of holiday before going back to U, I decided to put the hammer down and finish this game. Why? Because I doubt I'll be granted the same amount of free time needed to finish this game. There's no way a player can sit down and just finish 1 quest, save and quit. In fact, I find myself wanting to continue after that knowing that a more powerful weapon or awesome armor lie in wait.
In this game, you really do play a boy(no choice on gender here) right from his childhood days up until his golden age. I've finished the game when the protagonist is 65 years old! Imagine that. Of course this age feature made me uneasy and I tried to find a character editor to try to manipulate this feature but to no avail. Your character will age, and it shows as well, from a aesthetic viewpoint only thankfully. Can't have my hero puffing and panting while engaging the final boss can't we?
The gameplay is superb and well-done. As with traditional RPG's, you play only 1 character. This means you only need to bother to invest your game effort into making your hero the biggest bad ass in the game. There's little need for micro-management and thus the player can concentrate on more fun stuff.
The quest system is a little unique I find, in terms of cards. This means that a particular quest doesn't really 'start' until your hero arrives at a designated quest location. Also, having the ability to boast about it is also good, though being the humble me, I usually refrain from doing so.
Then there's a social system in this game as well. Flirt around, court women, getting married and then getting some. It's all possible, though not very explicit I must say. Well, it's only natural though, this is after all not really a mature game. However, the best freedom is available in this feature. This is the first RPG where the player can be totally homosexual by marrying a guy. However, I just can't bring myself to commit such debauchery.
The fighting system is quite fluid and smooth. Combat can be executed via melee, range or magic. Also there's no character class, thus the player can choose to use any of those, even mix and match to give the desired results. This feature should be standard, since the player is free to experiment without having to replay the game all over again.
Good or evil? That's a very obvious theme in this game. One can choose to follow the stereotypical heroic path and take on all evil-doers, or he can join them and be converted to the dark side. Of course, I'm a conformist and thus became a goody-two-shoes in the first game. Whether or not I will replay this game to experience the dark side is another story.
On that note, I would say this game deserves a great 9/10 on my personal scale. 12月19日 Kannazuki no Miko I saw this title some months ago on a pirated-DVD, and was instantly wowed by its drawing style. Upon further research however, I discovered that this anime has lesbian elements, which put me off, since I'm more of a hetero fan than the homo. However, since I was in Lucas's house and was going to take Green Green from him, I thought why not take this as well.
From an anime to fill in space in a DVD-RW, it has exceeded my expectations. It doesn't really float my boat though, since the genres don't match my taste for love-comedies. But then I watched it, and was take aback and knew that I was in for a long ride into the darkness of a forbidden love.
It started out fine, without giving away its dark side except for the kiss. The setting was instantly put in place, chaos erupted, all hell breaks loose, mechs battling it out. Yes, this anime has the mecha genre under it. While I'm no fan of such contraptions, I must say that I'm impressed by the level of detail they put into the mechs.
The characters are the main strong points of this anime, specifically the way they react to each other. The producers has certainly got the human element right. It's not dainty like most animes, but instead a dark sinister side hides in every character. The Lunar Priestess, Chikane, is a perfect example of this flipped coin personality.
The action and pace of this anime was well-balanced with touching drama scenes. The romance here does not give me toothaches, but instead I didn't find myself rooting for any particular pairing. This is rare indeed, or it could mean that the producers did not put enough effort to show how difficult it was for the hero and heroin to love one another.
Lesbianism is tolerable in this anime. It was certainly beyond "suggestive", but it's not explicit either. Just a show of lingerie lying around after the 'event', and the viewers are left to imagine what had trangressed earlier. Even the end was saturated by such a thing, but thankfully it's more words than action. I really believe that this anime could have done this element a lot better.
After all that love and hate stuff, all I can give this roller-coaster anime is a 8/10...plus another 0.5 for the wonderful OP/ED songs from Kotoko 12月17日 Kajang Aftermath + Green_Green Before I go into my usual anime reviews, I would like to pen down some fragments of memories left on me after I went and returned from Kajang. No, none of that life-changing events occured, it's just that somehow going to such a place made me appreciate Ipoh better.
Make no mistake, Kajang is not a bad place. It even has Shakey's and Domino's, which Ipoh lacks. One can even take a train to Midvalley from there. There's good satay and 'supposedly' good Selangor Hokkien Mee, but I have to digres on this one. I could actually get better tasting noodles from my good ol' place, hopefully my host isin't reading about this.
Having no car during the day kind off sucks, everywhere that we wanted to go had to be on cab, which I'm sure isn't cheaper than our petrol prices. However, when we *do* have a car it gets even more exciting, I've experienced such a heart-stopping understeer before. Well, we were pushing it even though it's raining and we're suppose to get back fast.
The best thing about my trip there is meeting Lucas, another anime fan to share to reviews with, and also polish my japo. We had some great times when I was there, and I though that I'll be cut off from the anime world when I'm there, thankfully I brought a DVD-RW and some CD-R's containing the whole Nadesico series plus movie. I went to his house and traded that data for Green Green TV and also Kannazuki no Miko.
I came back after 4 days in Kajang, taking the morning bus, while Kong will be taking the afternoon wagon. Since my bus had to stop at KL, I only came back at 1pm. No time to waste though, because I've got to go out for a reunion lunch with my F6 mates. It'll be a long time before I get to see Ferdi and YenKheng again. Also need to come back and settle all the unpacking before Kong arrived.
I will not comment on Kong's visit since that's his department, but it made me realise how lucky I am to have a friend that knows Ipoh like the back of his hand: JJ. If not for him, there'll be a lot of places that Kong wouldn't have seen. Well I certainly hope that Kong would enjoy his stay in Ipoh and perhaps come again to sample its hawker food.
About Green Green, because that's the first series that I finished when I came back, it has to be one of those unconsiously good anime that even the pervert inside me couldn't admit to saying it was enjoyable. I thought that the Ichigo 100 OVA's were even more 'stimulating' but this is even worse, well because it does poke perverts, no matter what kind they are.
A lot of times I felt that this anime tried to put in passion into its viewers but it ended up as wasted enthusiasism. There's no end of the 'genki' feeling, except towards the dramatic end. Unlike infamous Gainax endings, the ending for the series is actually good. To begin with, I kind of prefer the another alternate pairing compared to what the producers intended.
The echiness is so over the top that I'm sure it would have been classified as M18 by the ESRB. There's a lot of sex referrences that only those that are in the know would actually get the gags. There isin't any of 'those' scenes, but more like a lot of preludes that lead toward it but actually stopped short before that, thankfully.
I just learned that there's more to come in form of OVA's, which made me very happy especially since it's going to be that alternate pairing that I prefered. For this series though, I give it a 7/10
12月7日 Martian Successor Nadesico + Prince Of Darkness For a series plus motion picture that I've rewatched many times, I can still say that it never fails to entertain. Starting right from the explosive start of episode 1 right through to the follow-up movie: Prince of Darkness, Nadesico has reminded me why I fell in love with anime.
The emotions and action, thrown in with some harem elements, and topped up with a mind-bending plot, makes Nadesico one my top animes that I've ever watched. I brought the DVD's before getting the a4e releases from a friend, just to show how much I supported this series.
It might have been a shame, but honestly I first watched the movie first, then instantly fell in love with the characters (Ruri is one my top10 shoujou's of all time), before deciding that I've to look for the original 1996 TV series. Thankfull a trip to Penang granted my wish, and made me one happy anime lover.
Being a 90's anime, I can forgive the unconsistent artwork, actually for an anime at that time it's really quite something. The girls and mechs were drawn nice enough to merit attention, but nadesico's strong point lies within the voice-acting. The seiyuu's play a very good role model to future animes, since I genuinely believe that this should be the standard of voice-acting of animes.
While the ending may have been quite abrupt after the TV series, the producers decided to make a movie to follow the story through. Unfortunately too many important events weren't shown, leaving quite a gaping plot gap between the series and the movie. Fortunately, Ruri takes centerstage this time round. Although the familiar cast makes their comeback, in ways more than one.
While it seems that Nadesico has finally closed its curtains for good now, I still hope that there will another instalment for the fans who supported it. I certainly will, if such a good news exist. To prove my point, this anime gets a whole-hearted 10/10. 12月4日 Futakoi Alternative Futakoi S1 was a really, really sweet show. A harem of twins, two pairs to be exact, going after 1 guy. This got so sweet that I nearly a toothache just going through it. I'm sure a lot of people felt the same way. Make no mistake though, for I still enjoyed it as a harem-anime fan.
Still, the producers must have felt pity for the fans of the original season and thus made a more 'grow-up' version. They caught on fast that using twins was a big, big trump card to woo viewers, the cuter the better. But instead of feeding the viewers with a love-struggle, we were presented with the battle of the century.
If I had to elaborate further, it would mean spoiling the anime. Hence I wil just stop at saying that the 'foes' in this anime is just too surreal. Of course, this anime shines when it comes to drama and story. The plot is just splendid, because I too kept guessing at the possible outcomes as I watch episode to episode. Being so, I was kind off dissapointed in how the protagonist defeated the last boss.
Nonetheless, fans of season 1 will either like or shun this anime. There is no in-between, because Futakoi Alternative is very different to its predessor except for the twins. Overall I enjoyed this anime, though the middle was a little slow for my taste. I actually expected more action after watching the first episode, but the producers decided to make way for narrations.
My final say? A 7/10 Akane Maniax Kimi Ga Nozomu Eien made big waves when it was released. It was lauded as the best ever realistic anime drama out there. It didn't have any cat-girls or cut-out gags, just plain drama. After watching it, I realized how close I was to shedding a tear. For a jaded guy like me, that would've been quite an achievement for an anime.
It was inevitable that after 14 heart-wrenching episodes, they have to release an OVA. Rather than extending the story further, this 3 episode OVA serves to lighten the TV series. How did they accomplish this? Simple, put in a whacko main guy full of youth and pheromones, then throw in some mecha action. Oh, of course there are plenty of killer babes, even for side characters that appear only in 1 episode.
Comedy first, drama second. That was concept of this OVA. This meant that one can easily predict the plot of the story. The flow is good, even though you can see things coming a mile away. I actually showed this to a lot of friends when they come over to my place, it's that rewatcheable.
At last, good things must end...and end very strangely it did. Ok, it does have an ending that I expected. But the gag ending after the credits does stand out since it involves two very loveable side characters from the tv series that didn't get any role in this OVA except bash the daylights out of everyone in the end. Expect plenty of bloodshed. Note to self, take extra caution around middle-schoolgirls with nailed bats.
Jokes aside, this OVA deserves a heart-warming 8.5/10 12月2日 His and Her Circumstances / Kare Kano I actually never really bother much about an anime as long as I can download it and the genre and drawing style suits me taste. Kare Kano was also done Gainax, the infamous producer of the Evangelion, and thus I was quite drawn to it. I've actually downloaded this before plunging into uni life, but never brought myself to watch it until the first semester break.
When I finally did, I was taken to a world to masks. I do say people putting on masks on daily basis, and thus I wondered why do I even bother to watch an anime about such a topic. But then again, the face behind the mask was the really shiner of the anime. The heroine unmasking herself in front of her sworn enemy, but soon finds herself getting attached to him, in more ways than one.
Thus begins a rollercoaster ride of high school drama. The confessions, the agreements, the fights, the consequences. In this part of the show I kept watching because I find it interesting and that I could sometimes relate to circumstances of the two protagonists of the show. It's a moral lesson that one should know: when you become yourself, only then can you really start living life the way you wanted to live.
OK maybe I was losing myself there, but thankfully this anime has none of the sudden change on mood like Evangelion did, something like the light and dark side of a series into 13 episodes each. In fact, the show has a light and cheerful expression when things aren't so messy. Many may shun the outlandish slapstick humour that is blown out of proportion, like little girls kicking cars into the air or getting angry enough to cause a nuclear holocause.
But I liked it in the humour department. The romance part was watchable, but I find that the events unravel and concludes way too cleanly, like it was meant to finish in 24 minutes. The merit in this is that the producers had more time to pay attention to side characters. Yes, like Evangelion, the side characters get a lot of of attention, which is good since I would get bored of seeing just the 2 protagonist getting lovey-dovey with each other then unravelling their dark sides when they're not together.
As with traditional Gainax productions, the ending just totally suck. As others would say, it's quite open and leaves a lot of questions unanswered. Actually it's only the last episode which inspired this comment, if the staff had sense to stop at episode 25 then this series would have been a solid one, in which Gainax can really take pride on. Sadly, they find it amusing that the viewers must be left confused and thus more people would read the manga just to find out what happens after that.
It was really a fun first 25 episodes, so I guess I'll give it a 7/10, would have been a 8 had Gainax not botch the last episode. |
|
|
