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The diabolical home of my mentality-parental caution advised- September 14 Ex-planationIt's been a long while since I felt like divulging the contents of my mind, or rather my heart, to a computer screen. I wonder what this shall serve, other than remind me of the screw ups that litter the latter stages of my uni life, but here goes:
"Love will find a way, but you must take the first step"
Being young and foolish, and curious about the limits of my pain threshold, I set about to re-court my ex whom I ungraciously dumped more than 2 years back. Call it a stupid gamble, but I was really, really down after another attempt at a previous target backfired spectacularly. That is another story that I might share some other time, if I have the patience to dig up the part of my memories that I wished never existed in the first place.
Back to the ex, it wasn't a sudden change of heart. It started when I saw this look of fear everytime we had even the slightest of eye contact. That made me think, "OMG, what have I done to this girl?" Her clinginess to other girls even gave me the impression that she is more interested in the fairer sex rather than guys. I had to do someting, thought my guilty heart, otherwise this girl will forever lose the ability to feel the joy and pain of healthy relationships. (Later I found out that she did indeed think of guys as deceitful beings who gave empty promises they can never keep, thus confirming my suspiscions that she lost all faith in guys)
By time I went through all the spiral of emotions that came with reconnecting with an old flame, including confusion, bewilderment, curiousity, and joy, I find myself once again sitting on that chair called 'lost love'. I begin to reminescent about the times we had together, the good, bad and ugly. Blaming my immature self for letting her go once, and even creating the sour state that we were in, there was no limit to my self-loathing. I had lost a partner that really accepted and loved me for who I am, even though I justified the break-up with lines such as:
"You and I just are not meant to be"
"Our interests are not the same at all"
"You are meant for someone better, not me"
At this stage, I made the decision to set things right. I was ready to give her another go at reclaiming at should-be happiness that was extinguished by my childishness. However, the timing of our finals made any real efforts futile. The best I could manage at this point was to reconcile with her, slowly but surely making my way back to her now frozen heart scarred by another relationship flop after me. I talked to her through MSN, and gradually she begin to open back to me. However, I sense the large amounts of thorns that lay before me, and I avoided all talk would give her any impression that I was aiming at her.
I made a bet with her instead.
"Let's see who can score better in this finals. Loser treats the winner for one day." (In which I would later lose, much to my dissapointment)
She accepted of course, in good spirits. That is all the motivation I needed to focus on my exams despite my renewed intentions. Let's now skip this exam and industrial training crap that I had to go through immediately after. Instead let's now jump ahead to the new semester.
"Ah! A brand new day has arrived, and I've got a girl to catch."
Armed with a car, which I previously didn't have for the last three years of university, I quickly made my advances. I knew that time was not on my side, with it being our final year in uni. Any time together, provided that I succeed, would depend on how fast I can make my plan stick. Lo and behold, due to extuanating circumstances, i.e she got measles, i didn't have the car for two weeks, busy with assignments and reports, etc., the first four weeks went without any progress.
Once I finally had everything in place, and some hesitation from her, I decided to ask her out. Well, by asking her out, I meant confessing my renewed feelings. At a later time, I would realized that I forgot to ask her to become my girl friend:
*BIG SMACK* for that blunder
However, it was not meant to be. She pointed out some very critical issues that I had not considered:
"How about your future workplace? Will you come to PG just for me?"
"Why would you come back to me?"
"Would I be the first priority in your mind, or would family and other interests come first?"
I was left speechless, not for the first time in my life. She had changed drastically. All her arguements were bang on, and I had no answer to her inquiries. So I let it be at that point, and just decided to stick with the friends status for now. I had to think about the strings attached with being her boy friend, lest I repeat the same mistake that I had done two years back. We then enjoyed some good times as friends, such as my senior's graduation, and a couple of movies in a group of friends.
After a few weeks, I thought that I would be ready to ask her again. So I arranged for a date, under a pretext that I would like to enjoy some of her hometown's food. She agreed, maybe not knowing of my ulterior motives. The day went along uneventfully, but I felt that she was not herself. During the whole time, she was relatively quiet and distant, and there was the unmistakable sense of weirdness in the air between us. Before we reached campus, I decided that I would approach her with another proposal. That turned out to be another heartache, as she added that she found it hard to start the relationship because of the past.
I knew very well that what I had done was unforgivable and could not be erased. I had hoped that I could make ammends for it by making her happy again. What wishful and self-conceited thinking that turned out to be. I didn't want to make her happy, I just though about my own self, yet again. I could not change the fact that I left her in tatters, being her first break-up experience. That eventually clinched the fact that this would not work out after all.
I remained hopeful of course. These days all I could think about is her, and it pains me that I had let her go once. I wanted her to feel what I felt. Happiness just by being around you, and seeing you smile is all I need to make my day complete.
During this entire time, I trusted only one other person well enough to share my predicament. I told myself that this is my own problem, and I have to solve it myself or I would never grow up for this relationship challenge. That friend pointed out that had I been more 'creative' and 'romantic' I would have succeeded a few weeks back. Again, this left me feeling vexed, as I had not done the bloody obvious. Well, those suggestions were not really my cup of tea, and personally I felt that emotions and honesty were more important than materialistic gifts. The times have really left me behind, or maybe i was just too old-fashioned.
During that week after the botched date, I felt that she was really feeling depressed and I tried my best to look happy and perky so that I could show her that she was still the light of my life; the reason that I could push myself out of bed every morning and try my utmost in everything. That was a pretense, I would later realize, and she knew of it too. This can't go one forever, the state of being more than frens, but not exactly lovers is pushing her to the edge, and I could not ease her burden anymore than I could rein in my emotions.
Finally, one MSN session later, she finally made up her mind.
"Let's be friends again, and pray that someone better comes along soon"
That was the confirmation that I had waited for 10 weeks to hear. It was a bittersweet moment. I was relieved that she finally decided what to do with me. Of course, my unanswered love left me in a state of despair. There was nothing I could do more, I comforted myself. I had tried my best, and held nothing back during the period of courtship. But it seems that she had a bigger barrier to overcome, accepting one who had meant the world to her but also destroyed it an instant. Yeap, the reason she could not accept me back into her heart was because that person is *me*.
That is something that I could never change: being me.
Of course, she was willing to talk to me openly again. And for some time, I was filled with a false sense of joy which i knew is like the high from a caffeine overdose. Once it wore off, I was lost again, as I was before these ordeal started in the first place. I knew that it was time to move on to new people and new experiences. Of course, letting her go the first time was one of the hardest things I have to do. Letting her go the second time is not any easier, but I will break if I don't do it soon. MY patience has reached its end, my emotions threaten to boil over and *snap* would my conscience go.
I was madly out of love, not the first time in my life, but it was never easy no matter how many times it has been.
At least, I could talk to her again. I had hoped that after this episode is over, we could smile at each other again without clouded eyes. Talk to one another like old buddies. Share our final year together as uni mates. This much I hope I can do, should I first dispose of this selfish nature of my emotinons. I really wished I had a PLAN B, but she was the only person I had put all my money on.
That more or less sums up what has transpired over the absence of posting, as I sorted out my scattered feelings in my head. I then decided that at the risk of ridicule, it would be better than I posted this entry so that I could remind myself of the person that I once was. Hopefully, my destined one is not too far off in the futurem, but I can really just try my best in living on my undergrad years and pray for the best in the future. To her, allow me one final curtain call:
"You will always be a special person in my life, now and forever"
xing
February 02 The longest week of my lifeIndeed I has a slow start at home, the weekend was kind to me i.e no interruptions like the last one. But as soon as I got back to campus, there was no rest for me weary bones. Every weekday of this week I has to wake up at latest by 8AM, which is not routine since all my normal classes all start at 9 or 10 in the morn. Monday was the most fun day, even though I had to get up even more early to meet the 7.45 meet-up time. The workshop about problem-solving was only fun as I came face-to-face with a German dude who speaks relatively good English, albeit his accent does protrude a lot, especially the K's, the W's ad the V's. Typically, germans have very anal problem-solving steps that even involve thanking everyone. It's the industry's way, I suppose. It was fun, especially that group presentation thingie, but I feel sorry for not being picked to present for the group. However, the week went downhill from there as not only do I have to meet assignment deadlines, there were new assignments. If these just revolves around doing some exercise by yourself then it'll be fine, but instead I was grouped with large groups (one of them have 15 members per group, that lazy lecturer), and we were expected to somehow collaborate and finish it right after CNY, which was impossible to say the least as communication would be a big problem. The assignment are certainly less than last semester (total of 21 assignments), but the difficulty level has gone up very considerably. On top of that, the designated lab this week is the toughest series of experiments. Our group faced the challenge of finding the time in one week to accomplish what normally needed three weeks to finish. The fact that there's a week-long break in between didn't help matters (not that I don't want the break, mind you), because the latex formulation cannot last for three weeks. Hence, the compounding, curing, dipping, drying, cutting and testing had to be done at a extra high pace. One which I find sometimes only myself doing, as some mornings are extra cruel and not conducive to waking up. It was done finally, but I felt that I had done more than 60% of the work. I can't blame my member for going home earlier than me, but still...it's tiring and drains my spirit. Once this is done, I think I can breath one very deep breath of relief. Hold that *phew* for now January 13 It's just 13 days into the new year but...happy new year folks...it's been a wild ride so far Unlike something which is hard to believe, I experienced some really unusual turn of events right after 2007 ended. A new year countdown was far from uncommon, but getting really 'influenced' and proceeding to puke in my fren's car on the way back was new, a really bad experience, but still was something of a milestone for a college student. Check that, I'm fully on my way to enjoy my 23rd year of existance. Besides the usual loads of free time followed by a sudden influx of assignments/reports/industry training headaches, my peace was short-lived. As I found myself in the middle of a tempest, a fight between my two frens, one of which is my roomate. Both parties are stubborn and refuse to give in, and I found myself in another arguement central. Things has since calmed down considerably but they are from settled. Another spark will reignite the situation, and what will I do then? Who knows? Then today itself, not very long after things have just barely set in place, the very same fren in whose car I emptied my stomach on lost his farther. It was a shock to all of us, with no prior signs. Perhaps the poor guy is just keeping things to himself all the time, may he survive this ordeal. Bless his dad's soul. April 29 Freedom in an ancient consoleAs I write this now, i'm having a splitting headache from lack of either proper sleep or just too much gaming at once. Well, it's been a LONG time since I properly had a long gaming session since I got my mac and my pc was officially retired to home-use. That's right, exams are over and I just can't wait to begin my long,long holiday of enjoying life to the fullest. That's really just sitting back at home with good broadband (hopefully) downloading anime and stuff, as well as ps2 gaming. Again, I have another introduction to make. Meet my newest obssession: the SONY PlayStation 2. Some of you might wonder why have I brought this ancient console at this time when next-gen consoles are hitting the shelves at full blast. Let me tell you that the games are really the reason: the list is just too long. However, I've shortlisted a few of them to play (and hopefully finish before the semester reopens). Again, Grandia is the catalyst. It reminds me of the days when I brought the DreamCast just so that I can play Grandia 2 (which was eventually ported to the PC and PS2, grrrr). The Final Fantasy series is a must-play. There's three for this console: X, X-2 and 12...wow, that's going to take a very long time. So I think I'll just stick to Grandia 3 for now. The headache that I'm having right now means that I won't be able to truly enjoy this wonderful RPG, thus for the night I just had some Kingdom Hearts, which is also a highly-acclaimed game. G3 will have to wait until I'm at my best state. This 10 weeks is going to be a blast. The exams, while being the most relaxed exam so far, has drained me almost completely of my will to live, coupled with staying at a god-forsaken hostel didn't help much either. How long have I waited so that I could just get home and finally get back to my bum routine. So you'll excuse me if I didn't write much because I'm too stuck with my new machine. Well, it needs rest too, every 5 hours then rest 2 hours. Talking about rest, guess I'll help myself. Later. April 07 Between 21 and 22What have i been up to since getting my mac? lots...and lots more. In fact, the one habit i inherited from the mac is the workaholicness. I've been up in assignments and presentations I didn't even remember my base cravings for gaming. Until recently, I've yet to suffer any withdrawal symptoms from not gaming. Well. the fingers get a little twitchy now and then, making me tap the keys for no reason just to get some 'feedback'. My birthday came and went without any events, exactly the way that I wanted it to be. I heard rumors about my mac being targeted for robbery but thankfully a good friend alerted me so that proper counter-measures can be taken. Since then, I've also decided to lock the OS'es with my usual password just for good measure. Somebody is to thank for this, you know who yourself. What about my birthday itself you may ask, well turns out there was a group of friends willing to go all the way to Autocity to party, much to my delight. The five of us went to a total of three places there: in order, Halo Cafe, Swensens and SOHO. I think that although the food leaves much to be desired, the desert and club atmosphere more than makes up for it. Spent quite some money there, but I was ready of course. There was yet another round in Sushi King,Ipoh at a much later with my traditional gang, haha, good ol' times. Right now, I'm in the middle of a 'fake' vacation. Yeah, fake as in I'm back, but there's always a nagging feeling to go read up my exam subjects. At time of writing, my brain is cooked from process control, there's always a saturation point when it comes to its many intricate formulae that will confuse even those that went to every single class. Ok, so I'm a regular attendant but it doesn't matter because the questions are *not* covered in class. It's theory all the way, a bit of twist and you're screwed. I've seen the horror of my unability to answer the test 6 weeks back and even now with the notes in *front* of me, I'm still dumb-founded. But enough about work, Mac's can have fun as well. Ok, so I've relied on Boot Camp to get xp to play the games. But hey, it's still on the mac nonetheless. I've found myself using windows a lot because lo and behold for some reason I can't get no internet in college using OS X. Tried everything, wifi, ip v6 and so forth, nada. Even my linux friends have this same problem. So it's mac for work, music and some videos, then over to XP for anime, games and onlining. Oh, recently I have to reinstall XP on the mac because for some reason upgrading my bootcamp drivers from 1.1.2 to 1.2 corrupted an important dll file. Sure sucks to do this but at least I can repartition my harddisk again. Bad windows gets only 25GB's this time around, while my OS X will have that extra 7GB all to itself for being such a reliable doggy. With that said, I'm currently looking forward to some *real* holiday. Exams is always a downer but that's what makes the break after that so worthwhile. Sure, I may spend about 95% of it at home, but hey, I'm happy. For sure I'll pop down to the apple shops to look for stuff for my macbook. High on the list is probrably the mini-dvi adapter, so that I can project to a larger screen or for future presentation. I'm very sure that I'm going to need it with more projects that need to be presented and I really wanna use my own laptop for it. Ok, signing off now. F1 quali will start soon, and i'm not missing that for anything (that I can think of, at least). March 11 I've always like MAC's...delicous scrumptious MAC'sOk, so I admit that the heading was a bit of a lie, a very big one actually. PC's were something like parents to me, I'm used to them like breathing water and drinking air, just for fun. Right now I have reached the transition point, with the arrival of my MacBook MA-700 model. There is a lot to learn, and a lot to relearn. Instantly, one will notice that the cosmestics are not the only stark difference from regular PC's. The Operating System for example, refuse to be referred to a house component that allows light and air to come in. Instead it's an animal; a cat or rather a TIGER. This is Apple's latest (not counting Leapord, which is still under development) OS for Mac's and let me tell you that the cat will not be tamed so easily. When using Tiger, you get the feel that it wants you to do things faster. It rushes you, because it's so streamlined and you're not. It wants to be pushed, and I found myself trying to keep up. With such a monster of a processor, everything zooms and zips by like you're in some time capsul. Alright, that's really just an exaggeration, but it is faster than my old PC's not-so-slow Pentium 4 HT 3.0GHz. So what if there isn't a discreet video card, I'm certainly not going to use it for gaming...much. It remains to be seen however, how much fun can I have with this book because it's just 2 days old from first boot. Right now, it's going back with me to campus. I hope that nothing will happen to it. Now I got a bit of feel when parents send their cute children to school. Well, at least I get to come along and hopefully this will the beginning of a beautiful friendship. However, I admit that Tiger, as powerful as it is, is still not enough for some of my tasks. The Mac does come with a lot of software, but not enough. I had to search for codecs for it to play my anime and videos properly. But I guess that I can always revert to XP to play them. Right now it does play almost everything (VLC rocks man, seriously) except anime that has embedded subs in their container (or soft subs). Installing XP was relatively easy (though very lengthy, thanks to the need to use FAT for the partition), and there are indeed some problems still unsorted, like the battery indicator won't install at all, and that my visual basic needs a DOS component which is a big no-no for macs. I'm still sorting out what works and what doesn't work, really. Packing time. So guess I'll be updating this later with more quirks about my macbook. I love it. March 07 Those who read this: beware! Before I begin today's rambling, in case there's another person other than me reading this most personal blog, would I like to remind you that this space here is really for my own venting and not to entertain any readers. If you must read this, by all means, you're welcome to. However, please be aware that I would not hold back here. If there's someone who has angered/crossed/pissed me off, then they are going to get it here, no holds barred. If you somehow become the receiving end of my grunting, you've at least know better. So i found this no-brainer program here: a name-personality-matcher. What you do is input your name and the program tells you what kind of person your name reflects. Doing so with my name yielded my name yielded this result *ahem*: " Sensitive and sentimental, you can't help feeling depressed when someone hurts you. Shy and reserved, you avoid talking themselves. You are true friends, hard workers, and traditionalists. You miss not having the protection and security you had as children. Home-loving you usually feel like spending time with your families and prefer being being at home to being to a party." While I admit that I will probably believe any output, the first line is the most spot-on diagnosis that I've been given. Indeed, I can't believe that a simple flash module can tell me how I would behave in real-life. Coincidence or not, this is indeed the kind of person I am. Patient I may be, but I'm put down easily by every little small imperfection in my day. It is at this point that I look back at my actions three weeks ago and wonder. "Have I done the right thing?" That whole weekend went quite downhill, quickly, and with a suitable last-nail-in-the-coffin to seal it off. I was feeling especially upset and angry, but at the same time, I cannot find anyone to really feel comfortable to confide to. My best buds in campus were already tied-up, so they're not the type I expect to understand my predicament. In a way, this blog became some sort of bulletin of my sad love-life, to save me the trouble of telling everyone how she shot me down that fateful night. Make no mistake, I do not find any fault with her decision. However, how she handled the situation afterwards left a lot to be desired. Plus my oblivious friends added more salt to my wounded soul, and yet I cannot blame them because of something they don't know. There was really no hope, I considered her answer to be final and thus will not pursue her any further. I may be tired of running away, but I'm not one to thread on broken glass. Some distance would be good, but yet I cannot avoid the fact that we live in Ipoh, which means that sometimes going back together is always in the cards. Looks like I'm out of time for now, a meeting beckons, maybe I will continue this another time. |
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